Life Conversations with a Twist
Join me once a week for a new interview with a local, badass woman who has an amazing story to tell. Join me in conversation so you too can gain inspiration and empowerment from these stories! If you love hearing about leadership, relationships, families, motherhood and navigating hard times, then tune into my podcast and share with others. If you love what you hear, share and tag me on Instagram at @heathernelson.life. You can also visit my website at heathernelson.life.
Life Conversations with a Twist
Drunk Driving Culture: Changing Habits Before Tragedy Strikes with Beth McBride and Carli Seymour
“We're positive reinforcement. We're not about punitive. We're not saying that you can't drink. What we're saying is, be responsible.” —Beth McBride
“People don't change their behavior because we make them feel bad about it. Shame doesn't work. I would love for people to feel incentivized to make the right choice, supported in making the right choice, and feel that there's a cultural pressure to make the right choice because that is where we'll see a difference.” —Carli Seymour
A single choice can change a family forever, and silence around that choice keeps the cycle alive. This conversation sits in the space where grief meets responsibility and where culture quietly decides what behavior gets a pass. It asks why something preventable still feels accepted in so many communities.
Beth McBride and her daughter Carli Seymour share the story of losing their son and brother, Bobby, to a drunk driver, and how that loss led them to change Montana law and cofound Bar Fairies, a nonprofit focused on positive reinforcement and real cultural change around drinking and driving.
Press play for a powerful, grounded conversation about grief, accountability, and what it looks like to turn heartbreak into action.
- Bobby’s story and the night that changed everything
- Why Montana’s DUI laws failed victims for decades
- How Bobby’s Law became a reality
- The origin of Bar Fairies and why positive reinforcement works
- Rural drinking culture and why it is harder to change
- The emotional reality of navigating grief while building something new
- How small choices can create long-term cultural change
Connect with Heather:
Episode Highlights:
02:13 Meet Beth and Carli
06:09 A Drunk Driving Accident
13:49 Why the Driver Wasn’t Charged with Felony
19:11 Seeing the Driver Again— Trauma After Loss
25:11 From Law Change to Bar Fairies
30:08 Surviving Grief and Honoring Loved Ones
39:20 Why Rural States Struggle More with DUI Fatalities
43:18 How Bar Fairies is Funded and Supported
49:13 Ending the “Walk of Shame”
Resources:
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Connect with Beth and Carli:
Beth McBride and her daughter, Carli Seymour, co-founded Bar Fairies, a nonprofit based in northwest Montana that works to prevent drunk driving through positive, community-led efforts. After losing Beth’s son and Carli’s brother, Bobby, in a drunk driving accident, they transformed their grief into action.
Through Bar Fairies, they distribute thank-you cards and small gifts to people who choose not to drive under the influence, aiming to make communities safer by shifting the conversation around drinking and driving from shame to encouragement.
Hey ladies, it's your host, Heather Nelson, welcoming you to another season of Life Conversations With a Twist. This is a space where we dive into stories of remarkable women who've conquered challenges and emerged stronger. Join me each week as we unravel tales of resilience, triumph and empowerment. These narratives aren't just stories. These are stories of inspiration, and I'm so honored to have the space to share them with you. Plus, I will be sharing my own personal stories of inspiration as I navigate starting my own business and achieving my own goals. So whether you're driving in the car or out moving your body, get ready for heartwarming stories and empowering conversations together. Let's raise a virtual toast to empowerment, because here at Life Conversations With a Twist, every story has the power to inspire. Cheers, ladies.
Heather Nelson: Hello, everyone. Welcome to this week's Life Conversations With a Twist. I'm honored to have Beth and Carli on. Beth and I met probably about a month ago at a winery event, but you were very highly recommended from a good friend of ours to be on the show. And I just met Carli. You guys are a mom and daughter duo. Welcome to the podcast. Tell our listeners a little bit about who you are? Where do you live? I always like to give people where you live, kind of your age, what's going on in your life? Then we're going to dive into why you guys are here today.
Beth McBride: Okay, well, I'm Beth. I'm mom. I live in northwest Montana, up near Glacier National Park. I work with our mutual friend. I was wondering how you guys knew it. I work for the parent company of her company. I work for a National Landscape Supply company that's all over the US. I primarily teach continuing education to architects, work with sales people in our company, and get them connected with architects to do presentations and that sort of thing. I have three kids. Well, I gave birth to three kids, Carli's one of them. My son, Caleb. And then we'll talk a little bit about my son, Bobby, who was killed in 2023. And I have two beautiful grandchildren, two little boys that are Chester and Sage. And they're four and two. So that's me.
Heather Nelson: Life is busy then.
Carli Seymour: My name is Carli. I'm in my late 20s now. I am a wedding and portrait photographer in the Flathead Valley, so near Glacier National Park. And then I also have begun working full time for the nonprofit that we managed together and co-founded.
Heather Nelson: Are you the one with kids?
Carli Seymour: No, my little brother, Caleb, is. I am married. I have a beautiful husband. I live on a family commune with my grandma and a bunch of my cousins in a really perfect little weird neighborhood.
Beth McBride: It's literally 9 families on 20 acres.
Heather Nelson: Wow. Well, you're in Montana. Did you guys grow up in Montana?
Carli Seymour: I did. I was born here.
Beth McBride: Okay, I grew up in Southern California. I'm from Orange County originally, but I've been here for almost 30 years.
Heather Nelson: Can I ask why when I met you, you were in Northern California? Were you just here visiting?
Beth McBride: You know what? I had always wanted to go to Crush. I would go visit the company that Kimmy works for. Before I was with Heritage, the company now, I was a vendor to SBI materials. I have known Mick and the team for almost 20 years. And so I was always there two or three times a year. I've been in Sonoma County for 20 years, almost. And I've been to lots of wineries and visiting other areas. The whole region, Sonoma and Napa, and I always wanted to go to Crush just because I love, I mean, we live in an agricultural town, and wine country is basically just a farming town, but of grapes instead of hay and alfalfa. But it's very similar to where we live. The people are really similar. So my girlfriend and I went to the Sonoma County Harvest Fair. Kimmy told me about it, and we went to the gala. And it was really a lot of fun. So since they had Crush events going on that whole week, we decided to come by and say hi. Just a girls trip, just a girls weekend is all it was.
Heather Nelson: I love it. And Carli, I'm in the events industry, so when you say wedding and photographer, I see you. I've been in the events industry for over 25 years.
Carli Seymour: In the area where we live, it's a very, very busy summer season. And then everything goes dormant through the shoulder season and through the winter, because it's light for six hours a day and frozen. And so I'm just finishing up the last of my projects, and I'm so excited for my hibernation.
Heather Nelson: Me too. I am excited, but then I'm like, oh my gosh. We need money.
Beth McBride: You guys kind of slowed down in your area too, through the winter a little bit, huh?
Heather Nelson: Yeah. Pretty much. November through April is kind of our slower season. I think things are trying to pick up a little bit in November and April. But definitely, December through March, it's dead. I know where you're at right now. Now I'm like, okay, what are we doing to build for next year? Well, let's dive into your story. So you had alluded that you lost one of your children. Do you want to talk about what that looks like and what happened? And then we're gonna talk about where you guys are at today.
Beth McBride: Okay. So my son, Bobby, it was his 21st birthday. He wanted to go down to the local bar here that all the people go to in our little town to celebrate his 21st birthday. And at 2:00 am when it was time to leave, the bouncer kicked him off the property, and they ran across the street to catch their sober ride that was at the gas station across the street, and he was hit and killed by a drunk driver.
Heather Nelson: Was everybody in the car? Was there multiple people in the car?
Beth McBride: They knew, they ran across the street. They were pedestrians.
Heather Nelson: They weren't even in the car yet.
Beth McBride: No. And there were three of them, but Bobby was the only one that was hit. He was the last of the three. Jake basically jumped out of the way. Garrett made it across the street and was fine. But the driver had a blood alcohol level of .20. He was very, very drunk.
Heather Nelson: Was he at the same bar they were at?
Beth McBride: No, no. He was coming in from White Fish. We live in Columbia Falls. So he was coming from another town on the highway. The bar that the Blue Moon where the boys were at is on the corner of two highways. Yeah, it's a rural community. I don't know, I'm trying to think of like, if you had a bar right where that highway where you cross over from Sonoma going to Napa, yes, and there is where the petrified forest is, put a big bar right there, and you've got two highways, so it's a connection point between towns. The driver had a blood alcohol level of .20, and we were devastated, obviously. I could barely leave my house. I honestly don't think I left my house for 5 weeks except for to go to the funeral home and take care of the things that I had to take care of. Because I remember a friend of mine died five weeks later, and I did go to the store to get some food for their family, because it was a sudden heart attack. And I remember thinking, wow, this is the first time I've left my house or been in public in five weeks. So that's how I know it was somewhere between 5, 6 weeks that I barely left my house. And Carli used to come over just about every day. And when she was on her way one day--
Carli Seymour: When I was on my way one day, this is early spring, late winter, March 11th, I was driving past a local bar on my way to my mom's house, and they noticed that there were some cars that were left in the parking lot that had frozen over. It was frosty, so you could tell that they had at least been there all night. And I remember thinking that I wish that there was some way that I could just leave them a note that's like, my brother was just killed by a drunk driver, I really appreciate that you didn't drive home. And I just remember thinking about it and briefly considering pulling over and riding it in the frost of their windshield, just with my finger. And at the time, I was working as a barista in a coffee shop that I had been at for several years, and I thought maybe they would be interested in donating coffee gift cards. And maybe, that's something we could do. We could just leave a coffee gift card for people and then say, from Bobby's family, thanks for not drinking and driving like that. It could be a fun idea. That could be a cool way to kind of, I don't know, raise awareness, and just say thank you to people for doing this. And so we talked about it a little more, and decided, why don't we try that? Let's see if it works?
The coffee shops who were interested, we started thinking of another. Montana has one of the highest, if not the highest depending on the source fatality rates regarding DUIs in the United States. We know other people who have been affected personally already. And so I could think of off the top of my head, two people whose children have been killed by drunk drivers who may be interested, maybe they wanted their kids on the cards too. And then it wasn't just Bobby, so it kind of just grew from that point. We worked on it for a long time. We put together, okay, what is our plan here? What do we want the cards to look like? How do we schedule this? Are we going to go every weekend? How many cards are we going to give away? All the logistics of it, we worked on it for several months, probably about six months. And then we started actually leaving them on cars on New Year's Day of 2024, and so it has been a wild ride.
Heather Nelson: So I have a couple questions. How many bars are in your local area? There's a lot.
Beth McBride: Yeah. On every corner, there's a bar and a church. I'm exaggerating, but it's not far from the truth because gambling is legal here, slots and poker. So almost every gas station has a bar and casino connected to it. When I say a bar on every corner, I'm exaggerating, but it's not that far from the truth. And the statistics as of 10/29, out of the 155 people that have been killed on our roads this year, which I know that doesn't sound a whole lot, but when you consider that we only have a million people in the whole state, 64% of those were impairment related. And people come here because we live very close to Glacier National Park, so we get millions of visitors every summer, and people are terrified of being eaten by a bear or a mountain lion because Montana has the highest concentration of grizzly bears in the Lower 48. So they're terrified of it, and they take all the safety precautions. They bring bear spray, they have bells. They do whatever they can to be safe, but the reality is they're more likely to be killed by a drunk driver on their way to the park than they are to be eaten by a bear in the park. It's a problem. And the laws are very lax. We made a little change to that. But the biggest thing is that the culture here, which you come from wine country, I'm sure is not that much different. He's a very good old boy. It's agricultural. People have a beer on their tractors, and then they drive home. And when they go to the rodeo, I'm sure it's the same thing you guys deal with. So the culture is, I'll be fine. But everybody knows somebody that was killed by a drunk driver, or their lives were greatly affected by it. Yet, nothing seems to have been done when Bobby was killed. I told you, the driver had a blood alcohol level of .20. He was so drunk that he barely remembers the night.
Heather Nelson: So he stopped, then, I'm assuming.
Beth McBride: He did. And I'm gonna give him credit for that. Because more often than not, if they can run, they do. And he did stop. He did try to administer CPR, but he was so drunk that he was stumbling and falling and couldn't do it. And the witnesses tore him off anyway. But because Bobby and his buddies ran across the street outside the crosswalk, they were technically jaywalking.
Carli Seymour: I would like to point out that they were not far from the crosswalk.
Beth McBride: They were like 30 feet from the crosswalk, but they were considered jaywalking. The Montana Highway Patrol detective took about four months to put his police report together, which is pretty common. It takes 4 to 6 months to get a police report back in Montana. It's awful. So it took 4 months. But after interviewing all the witnesses, breaking, and blah, blah, blah, and all the stuff, all the technical forensics they do, the correct charge was vehicular homicide while under the influence. And in Montana, we have one of the heftiest fines. You could be jailed between one day and 30 years, but that 30 year limit is higher than most of the country. So you can do whatever you want until you kill someone, and then they put you away, except for when you're jaywalking. So since Bobby was technically jaywalking, the county attorney said to me, we don't have the time or the money to go to trial. We need to take what we know we can win, and so we are going to go after a DUI and careless driving, both of which are misdemeanors, neither one of those are a felony. I had to ask, Well, can you at least go after an aggravated DUI? And he said, well, why? What's the difference? I go, well, an aggravated DUI has a maximum sentence of one year in jail, and a regular DUI has a 6 months sentence. So can you give us a little bit more time? All right, okay, yeah, we can do that. So the driver who killed my son was sentenced to 18 months in jail. One year for aggravated DUI, and six months for careless driving. He was not convicted of a felony, and was released on April 29 of this year. So he was only in jail for like a year and a half, and now he's out doing his thing again.
Heather Nelson: I feel it for you because I was like, what?
Beth McBride: I was flabbergasted and I was irate. I told the county attorney, are you kidding me? Somebody died here. This guy's blood alcohol was .20. How is that not inherently negligent? How is that okay? We have aggravated laws on the books that say, we recognize that blood alcohol matters. And yet you're telling me it doesn't matter in this case, and we can't go to trial? And he's like, nope. We'd have to go to jury. We can't do it. We don't have the time or the money. We can't go to jury, so just take what we can get. That's all we can do. And I'm like, just the sheer fact that his blood alcohol was that high, no matter what, that should have made a difference. And they said, you're an elected official, do something about this? I tried. I tried, but the Montana legislature likes to drink so they won't do anything about it. They won't do any stronger DUI laws. And I said, well, you know what? Watch me. I'm going to make a change. And so we started Bobby's Law. One of Bobby's schoolmates is a local legislator. He's young, but whatever, he's still a house representative. So I contacted Braxton. What do I need to do? Will you carry the bill? Yes. We went through the whole bill with the legislative attorney, 11 hearings in the House and the Senate. And then in April, gosh, I think it was towards the end. Maybe April 20, at the end of the session, it was signed into law by the governor.
And so now, it's Bobby's Law, but it's aggravated vehicular homicide while under the influence. So if you kill someone now with a blood alcohol .16 or higher, you are inherently negligent, and now you go to jail for a minimum of three years. So it's anywhere between 3 and 30 years. So people can't get out on parole after 6 months of good behavior, or a year after good behavior. And I know three years doesn't sound like a lot, but you'd be surprised how many people get released on parole earlier than that. So we wanted to be able to make sure to give families time to grieve. Because when you're in a small town, when they get out of jail, I might run into them at the grocery store or at my doctor's office. I actually did run into the driver at the doctor's office so it was like, no, these families need justice, and they need time to heal. So that's where that came in. And we did it, and it passed. It's a lot of work.
Heather Nelson: Sometimes that's what it takes. It's like that one person is just keep fighting and fighting for a change. I have so many thoughts. So the person who killed your son, he's out now. He's just walking around town, and you ran into him. Have you ever seen him in person? I'm assuming in court. But was that like your first interaction of not being around?
Beth McBride: Yes. And it was actually before he was sentenced. It was before he was sentenced. So they go to court, and then the court date gets pushed out far.
Heather Nelson: And he's still out doing his thing?
Beth McBride: Yeah. I think you get out of bail, and you're out on doing your own thing. That's how the justice system works. You are innocent until proven guilty. So when you post bail, you are out unless you are a serious threat to society. And drunk drivers are not considered serious threats to society. I saw him in court on his first court date, just his arraignment or an omnibus trial. But I went to the doctors for a routine visit, and there he was, and I just started shaking. I went up to the front desk, and I'm like, the man that killed my son is literally sitting in this wedding room. And I'm like, if you don't send me back right now, I can't guarantee that I'm not gonna go strangle him. I'm gonna freak out. So they took me straight to the back, and I got to the back, and I just collapsed, and just started bawling. It was really cute because a nurse, she comes up to me and she's like, what? I told her, and she goes, I'm ex-military. Do you want me to trip him as he walks through the door? I'm like, would you please? And then my doctor came in. I'm like, please, don't help him. Please don't be his doctor.
Heather Nelson: I just don't understand, and I guess this is like a law like, this is making me think a little bit more that, if you took a gun to someone's head and shot them has a different sentencing to somebody who got in a car, drank too much and killed someone, that's a less sentence. But it's the same thing, you literally killed somebody.
Beth McBride: But it's not premeditated, and that's the difference. If you put a gun to somebody's head, more often than not, it's going to be premeditated or a crime of passion. But still, the government, they just don't consider, and this is the truth, no one sets out to kill someone drunk driving. No one says, oh, you know what? I'm going to get really drunk tonight and kill someone. That doesn't happen. Everybody thinks it's not going to happen to them. They're not going to kill someone, and they're not going to get killed by anybody, or severely injured, or whatever. So that is technically the difference, and I can understand after going through the whole legal proceeding and seeing how this whole thing works, as much as it's awful, it's also a good thing. The way that our system is set up, what's broken is it's taking 4 months, 6 months. A friend of mine whose son was killed, they're going on two and a half years before trial. That's broken. The fact that they don't have the time or the money to prosecute properly, that's a problem. The fact that nobody wants to change DUI legislation in the House and the Senate, that's a problem because they're drinking all the time. Well, we had legislators this year who got a deal. We got this one senator or the House Rep, she got a DUI in the session. She literally passed out in her car at a stop light. In session, I had a momentary lapse of judgment. I only had one glass of wine. Must have been on an empty stomach. You don't pass out. You and I both know that.
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Heather Nelson: So after this situation, you changed the law in your state. And then now, you guys started a non-profit.
Beth McBride: All at the same time.
Heather Nelson: Because you guys are called Bar Fairies, which I think is the cutest thing in the world. Is it only in your state? Is it only in your town that you guys are doing this work? I have more questions around that. But right now, the work is just right in your state?
Carli Seymour: No, actually. So it started in the Flathead Valley. And very quickly, people in other areas in Montana were interested in starting their own chapters. So we had people come forward from Missoula, from Bozeman, Great Falls, Helena Butte. People have come forward from about every area, major town in Montana. But then also, we've had people reach out from Wenatchee Washington, from Seattle Washington, Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. We're about to get started in Cleveland, Ohio. We're about to get started in Charlotte, North Carolina, anywhere where there's somebody who cares about it, an awful lot, enough to find volunteers and find funding, and find victims that are local to the area can start their own chapters. We're still organizing it, and we're definitely learning as we go. Because when we started this, neither of us had any nonprofit experience at all. Mom sells landscape stones. I was selling herbal supplements and taking photos. This is totally new to us. It's just something that we're passionate about. So we're learning as we go.
But we have a team of some of the most incredible, dedicated people who have been so helpful in every way through learning this process, and I'm sure, clunking along. But the idea of the Bar Fairies, and why we're called that, is it's kind of like a tooth fairy, but with drunk driving. We want to leave people with little gifts who decide not to drive home. And I mean the fact that it resonates with anybody, I figured it would resonate with some people, for sure, or we wouldn't have done it. But the impact that it has had, and that the spread that it has had, and the attention it's gotten on social media has completely floored us. And so what felt like a silly idea has really blossomed into, for me, a full time job. For mom, a full time job, in addition to her full time job. It's an immense amount of work, but it's a lot of fun to see how it's grown. It's only been two years.
Heather Nelson: I cannot believe that. Like when you said 2023, I'm like, what? I would be so proud of you girls. You know that, right?
Carli Seymour: One of his friends was really sweet. So People Magazine did an article on Bar Fairies, which was very cool. We were shocked. There were all these gals in the comments being like, he was so handsome. And one of his friends pointed out, Bobby would be so geeked if he saw all these ladies saying how handsome he was in the comments. I'm like, you're 100% right. The amount of attention and stuff, he was such a sweet and amazing person. Anyway, he is so charming. So of course, that would be very exciting for him.
Beth McBride: Bobby was 6'2", dark hair, blue eyes, strong shoulders. He was a very handsome young man. But more to that, he was so positive, smiling, funny, a spirit of adventure, and a little mischievous. So he was very charismatic, and people just loved him, not just us. But he was really kind too, and he always helped people out all the time. So it was a very big loss, but it was funny, he liked to look cool. He played on the golf team and tennis because he looked good in the uniform.
Heather Nelson: Oh, my God, this story really hits home right now for me, because I actually just lost somebody this week to, not a drunk driver. He was only 45, and it's like the same thing. He was just the most charming, amazing, kind hearted, beautiful human being. I just saw his family yesterday. It's my best friend's brother in law. And I don't get it. Like, why him? And that was triggering for me, for you guys, because these beautiful human beings who are doing good, beautiful things in the world, kind souls, and the people we want to continue to have here, why do these types of things happen to them? And I keep telling my girlfriend, I'm like, there's a reason why. I know it doesn't seem clear right now, but there's a reason why. And it's hard. However you look at it, it's hard to deal with. I was gonna ask you, how have you gotten through a time like this?
Beth McBride: Yeah. I read lots and lots of books. And one of the books that I read, I don't remember which one it was, but it said that the statistic was, 30% of all mothers, and 20% of all fathers never recover from losing their children, adult or not. And to me, that was an alarming statistic. It was so dark in so many ways for so many days, especially in the 4 to 6 months when the shock wears off, when the immediate grief wears off, when people stop calling and coming over and sending things. You're just there with that loss of a family member, the empty seat at the table. It gets very, very dark. I was very concerned about getting stuck in that darkness. But then I read another book, and that book said that recovery, I guess, or being able to pick up the pieces of your old life, or for me starting a new life, because I quit my previous job that I had been with for 17 years because I couldn't have the same life without my son in it.
I couldn't have an empty seat at the table, so I bought a new table. I changed my life so I didn't pick up the pieces. I started something totally different in order to survive, because I didn't want to be that 30%. There was comfort in that grief, there's comfort in that darkness when you hold on to it. I have her, I have grandsons, I have my other son, I have my friends, I have a life, and we were created to withstand grief. And if that wasn't the case, this world would have ended a long time ago. So I knew that our bodies, our minds are created to heal itself from this pain and go on. You just have to wait it out, and ride the waves of grief. But this other book that I read said that doing something in your loved one's name, honoring them, making the world a better place in their name helps with that grieving process. So when Carli came to me and said, mom, I wish there was a way we could think. I was like, yeah, let's do it. I've been in sales most of my life and stuff. Business minded, so I'm like, we'll do this, and this, and this. And it was such a good distraction for me. And she's like, this isn't sustainable. I'm like, yeah, it is. We just had to get volunteers, and we just had to pace ourselves. And we had to do this. And I only thought we would do it for a few months until I felt better, until we felt like we made somewhat of a difference.
Carli Seymour: Until people didn't care anymore.
Beth McBride: Yeah. And that has not happened. But doing that, Heather, I don't know what it's like to have a child in the military. But the only thing I can think of is, when the only thing I can equate it to is when I've met parents who have lost a child in the line of duty, there's a sense of pride that comes with that. That seems to help with the grief, because they were serving their country. Or you hear about people, like that young man that died climbing El Capitan not so long ago, his parents were like, he died doing something that he loved. So knowing that, knowing that we are changing the culture of Montana, yes, it's still 64% of the deaths are DUI related. But I can't wait to find out what the statistics are, to see if the US doing this now for the past two years is going to be less DUIs this year. I can't wait to find out. Because once we actually see the data that it is making a difference, that will just confirm what we have anecdotally. Because lots of people tell us, I used to drink and drive all the time before I got cards. And now, I never do. I keep the victim story cards on my dashboards or on my refrigerator for my kids. A friend of mine who's a biker said, even in the biker bars, instead of just people driving home drunk, they're saying, hey, why don't you get Jerry a ride, instead of letting him get on his bike and drive? So I know for a fact by stories that people tell us that the culture is changing. I can't wait to see the data to back that up.
Heather Nelson: One of my questions is like, are you able to see the data if there has been a difference? But you will, at the end of the year, because they do it.
Beth McBride: Well, hopefully the NHTSA, the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, and the Montana DOT, all of the data is two years old.
Carli Seymour: When an accident happens or when a collision happens, they have a period of investigation. They may or may not be six months for most exactly or more, and so we don't really get access to any of that information until later. Mom has, every single day, been carefully looking at the Jail Roster of our counties that we have chapters just to track how many people are being arrested for DUI. That's not information that's available to the public easily, anyway, so she will track that manually, and we will post on our social media platforms every week how many DUIs there were in each county. Because oftentimes, especially if you have access to great legal representation, you can get those DUIs worked down. All that to say is we're trying to find ways to prove it, and to prove that these conversations are making any difference for people. But I will say that in the Flathead Valley where we live, and in Montana as a whole, just having the conversation regarding drunk driving is making a difference. I know it is, because it's not a conversation that was being had. Outside of people being judgmental, in my memory, obviously, you're not supposed to do that. It's bad. If you do that, you're bad. But having that conversation in the bar or with other people who are around your age like your peers, I can see it happening. I can see it on social media. It gives us this beautiful window into, especially seeing young people. Because even when I was a teenager a decade ago, the difference between the way that today's teenagers are talking about this online, in front of us, talking about this issue completely shocked that this is still a thing. It's totally different when I was in high school. So getting to see just the difference culturally in what's happening, especially for the new drivers that are entering into society now, teenagers, it's very encouraging. I'm hopeful that we can put this issue to bed, because it's completely preventable. And I can tell you from what I keep track.
Beth McBride: The year Bobby died in 2023, there were 11 people killed in our town by drunk drivers. And last year, there were 7. And this year, there's been 5. Wow. Now that's not to say that, I mean, we got the holidays coming.
Heather Nelson: Let me think of something. I actually had this conversation a lot about the generations. I'm literally thinking of Yellowstone. These older white men who are still around and are still drinking. I don't know what the age of the person who killed your son is, but I just think their mentality is so different that I'm curious in the next 10, 20 years when they all start to unfortunately die out. How does that change? Because I think our generation is definitely on the cusp. We think we're okay, but some of us are more responsible. You were saying the younger generations like, nope. Absolutely not. And now, we have Uber, and we have easier ways to get home. Versus in the middle of Montana, I'm sure there's probably no Uber.
Beth McBride: Drunk drivers in Montana are 38 year old males. That's who they are, according to the Jail Roster. Fatalities are higher in women. It's still a 38 year old male who kills the majority of people, but it's almost half man, half woman in their late 30s who kill people. But when I look at the Jail Roster, the average age is 38. But it's mostly that average comes because there's a couple of 20 year olds in there, but the majority of them are 45. They're older millennials and Gen X males.
Heather Nelson: Have you ever started statistics on rural areas versus cities? I just thought about Uber, I feel like it's so much easier for us to just Uber home because we drink too much and we just Uber home. Versus where you guys live where it's so spread out, and there's, again, no Uber. I wonder if that changes based on--
Carli Seymour: Per capita statistics about Montana being higher than elsewhere in the country, I think, are pretty good, because Montana is so huge, footprint wise. The size of Montana is huge, and our population is quite small. I think that that points in the direction that more rural areas struggle with this. But also, DUI checkpoints are legal in California. They're illegal in Montana. The minimum penalty for your first DUI in Montana is $0, 0 jail time. In California, it's $10,000, and your license is suspended. Oh, sorry, one day in jail for DUI that never gets served. And so you look at the consequences and then the societal attitude about it for a long time, especially in rural areas, you would drunk drive home from the bar, and you would just end up in the ditch, you might kill yourself. But a lot of times, you just get towed out in the morning, or the cops drive you home. As our population has grown, we have too much traffic for people to be driving on the opposite side of the highway.
Beth McBride: Me, noticing the Jail Rosters and doing the Jail Roster's, no one's getting arrested other than in (inaudible) and Missoula County, those two counties. Missoula has the University of Montana, so there's a big university there. They're the only two counties that there's a lot of arrests. Billings has like 160,000 people that live within that town, but they have like two DUIs a week. 2 to 6 DUIs a week, maybe 7 DUIs a week. And a friend of mine who's in the legislature called and talked to the sheriff there, and they said, oh, well, we just pull them over on the side of the road, give him a ticket, and let a responsible party come pick them up. And that happens all over the state and all of the other cities. That's what's going on.
Heather Nelson: It's like a warning about bad behavior.
Beth McBride: Yeah, exactly. You don't even have bail. You call your mom or your buddy, and they come and pick you up. And then you go to court, and I don't know what you have, drug school maybe, and a couple of AA meetings, and maybe a thousand dollar fine, and it's still a misdemeanor. And it doesn't hit your insurance unless you get new insurance.
Carli Seymour: The penalties are so much more relaxed than everywhere else. And if you look at, say Alaska, I feel like it is a really good example of another rural place with a similar huge footprint and small population. They don't have the same issues. Their DUI laws are a lot stronger. And the amount of people who are killed in DUI related accidents is staggeringly different than here in Montana per capita. And I think that is really important to recognize the way that people are culturally and legally incentivized to drink and drive, and there's no consequence for a lot of people.
Heather Nelson: In California, you're right, nobody wants to do it because $10,000 is so much money.
Beth McBride: And you said 2 days in jail, I think?
Heather Nelson: My dad had like 3. But honestly, because of his 3rd, he became sober. He's been sober for, I want to say like 30 years or something from going to drinking all day, every day in the construction, that was his thing. But it was his 3rd DUI where he was like, I can't do this anymore, and he's been sober since. But it is so interesting to think about how much the states differ so much. I know you guys have a lot of work to do, but it sounds like you're doing the work. I do have a quick question on the Bar Fairies, how do you guys get funding? Do the coffee places donate this free card to give out? How does that work?
Carli Seymour: That's a great question. We have been very fortunate in the way of individual donations from human people. That has been the way that we've been able to buy.
Beth McBride: 5, 10, $20 donations on our website from when people see us on social media. We get $5 from Liverpool, England.
Heather Nelson: And then you guys just take the funds in, and then that's how you go get, again, you're supporting local coffee shops by taking them up.
Carli Seymour: We do have a few local coffee shops who donate. So they take a huge bit of the weight of that off. We have to pay for all of our printing costs, shipping costs and management. There ended up being more overhead than I think we imagined that there would be, but we've been able to pull it off so far.
Beth McBride: Jagermeister donated $5,000. They saw us on TikTok and went, we just want to give you money. We're like, well, can we have your logo to say thank you? Yeah. Keep doing what you are doing.
Heather Nelson: Good job, Jagermeister.
Beth McBride: We've had a couple of foundations and private family foundations. Like, here's a check for $8,500. What? We've been very fortunate by the skin of our teeth, that every time we've run over, we're done, and then here comes money.
Heather Nelson: I think the more you do this work, the more you're vocal about it, the more audience you can get in front of, the more it's going to continue to grow. That's why it's crazy that you guys are only in Montana and maybe a couple other states. But drinking is never going away unless we totally convert to cannabis, which maybe someday. But alcohol is not going away. It's an ongoing issue that is going to be a problem forever. And so I think the more education, the more you guys can do this work and get in other areas, the more impact it's going to make.
Beth McBride: We wanted to be positive. That's our thing. We're positive reinforcement. We're like, thank you for making the right choice. We're not about punitive. And the cultural change that we want to do is good for all of us. We're not saying that you can't drink. I was at a winery with you. What we're saying is, be responsible. People who have a glass of wine with dinner, or have a glass of wine at a winery at lunchtime are not the people who are killing people. It is the people who are heavily drunk for the most part. And so we can be responsible. But that means, you don't have four glasses of wine at dinner and drive home. You have one glass of wine. You have one or two beers. If you're a 300 pound, 250 pound male watching the game, you don't have 7. You don't start throwing back shots. Just be responsible. And so we use positive reinforcement.
Carli Seymour: I think the reason that it resonated with so many people is that people don't change their behavior because we make them feel bad about it. If you've ever told a teenager what to do, the shame doesn't work. And I would love for people to feel incentivized to make the right choice, supported in making the right choice, and feel that there's a cultural pressure to make the right choice because that, I feel, is where we'll see a difference. If everyone's doing it, you'll do it too. And I think that goes both ways, whether it's drinking and driving, or getting a ride home. And if we can kind of change that conversation so people are like, what? You're drinking and driving? What is this, 1997? That is good, that's valuable, and I think we're headed there.
Heather Nelson: I love this work that you guys are doing. I'm so glad that we were connected. Someone on, I know grief is such a hard thing, and losing a son, again, I could not imagine losing a child. But I'm hoping, I'm assuming that's a little easier, because you're now doing the work to help other people.
Beth McBride: Not gonna lie, I'm proud of what we've done. I know Bobby is looking down on us and saying, mom, that's sick. His face is plastered all over the news and stuff. Bobby always helped people, always with the positive route, and that's what we're doing. And we're doing it in his honor. So do I wish he was here? Would I trade it all to have him back? Absolutely. But that's not what it was. So this is where we're at. And before we go, I want to tell you that I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend.
Heather Nelson: It's just one of those things like you were saying is it's different when you know the reason why, but there is no reason why. They're doing blood work to find out, but it's just very weird the way it went down. And so I think it's hard to have closure when you don't know. I just love this story too because they're in grief right now. They're numb, they don't know what to do, and they don't have answers. And his mom is obviously still alive and having to deal with all of this. And no mom should ever have to do that. I always believe that all my stories in my interviews come on my podcast on certain days for a reason, and so I think that there's a sign in all of this that there's hope. I know that they will find their way. So thank you, and thank you for the work you're doing. I fall victim to drinking and driving. Sometimes, it makes me feel like crap. You're like, why? Why didn't I just call my husband? Why didn't I just take the Uber? Why didn't I just go with the friend who offered? Sometimes, it's like these stories where you get to remind yourself of, it's not hard to ask for help. It's not hard to get home, and not make a bad decision.
Beth McBride: And be proud of it. We want people to not be ashamed because they left their car. We're not saying that you don't have to be completely trash to leave your car. It's just, I had one too many. I had three instead of two. I had two instead of one if you're 100 pounds. Be proud that you did the right thing, and it's not a walk of shame.
Heather Nelson: I'm just about to say that. I'm like, it's always a walk of shame in your car.
Beth McBride: If any of your listeners, if they're interested, feel inspired and they want to do it, contact us. Our name is Montana Bar Fairies. We've switched to Bar Fairies since we're expanding across the nation. So what is our email?
Carli Seymour: Oh, it's montanabarfairies@gmail.com. Okay, if you search Bar Fairies in any capacity, you can't miss us.
Beth McBride: But our website, if you want more information or to donate, it’s barfairies.org.
Carli Seymour: Or montanabarfairies.org. It all goes to the same place.
Heather Nelson: I'm going to make Montana, because that's where we are. And you're like, oh, my gosh. Now this could be a whole national thing.
Beth McBride: And we've had our out of state places. People are connecting to the Montana Bar for everything, so we're switching it up. But we can't come on here and be on your beautiful podcast without shamelessly plugging.
Heather Nelson: We will include all the ways--
Beth McBride: We are 501(c)(3). We are a legitimate nonprofit, so it is a tax deduction if you itemize your deductions.
Heather Nelson: I love it. Thank you, ladies, so much for being here. I know it's not an easy story, but the work you're doing is beautiful. I know your son would be, and brother would be very, very proud of you guys. I cannot wait to see where you guys go, like come back in a year when you guys are in every single county in the United States.
Beth McBride: That would be great.
Heather Nelson: You'll get it. Thank you so much. Really nice to meet you. Thank you guys. I hope today's episode resonated with you. And if it did, don't keep it to yourself. Spread inspiration. Share this episode on your socials, and tag me. And if there's anyone in your life who can use a dose of encouragement, pass it along. Looking forward to continuing this journey of inspiration with you. Until next time, stay empowered and connected.