Life Conversations with a Twist
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Life Conversations with a Twist
Parenting Tweens and Teens: Setting Boundaries Without Breaking Connection with Aliah Singh, Caitlyn Severin, & Hannah Takajo
“Let them. The clothes, the style— it’s going to change. The point is they want to be seen and they want to feel understood. You, accepting whatever from they’re in that moment and rolling with the changes gives them that freedom to figure out who they truly are.” —Caitlyn Severin
“What’s important is, at the end of the day, what is the feeling that your daughter walks away with when she thinks about you and your relationship, not the little nitty gritty day-to-day things.” —Aliah Singh
"It's not too late. This is your child and you’ll hopefully have a strong adult relationship with them. This is the foundation of that." —Hannah Takajo
Parenting a teenager isn’t about control, it’s about connection— even when connection feels impossible.
If you’ve ever wondered why your once-chatty child now slams doors or retreats behind headphones, you’re not alone. The truth is, raising tweens and teens means navigating a maze of shifting moods, boundary-testing, and moments that challenge everything you thought you knew about being a parent.
Cultivateen Roots was founded by therapist Caitlyn Severin, special ed teacher Hannah Takajo, and school counselor Aliah Singh to support parents through the challenges of raising teens. Combining empathy with practical guidance, they empower families to strengthen relationships and confidently navigate adolescence.
Tune in as Heather sits with Aliah, Caitlyn, and Hannah to unpack the real challenges of parenting teens and tweens, share actionable strategies for building trust, setting boundaries, and handling tough conversations—so you can stop surviving and start connecting.
Connect with Heather:
Episode Highlights:
02:41 Parenting in the Fast Lane
09:32 Ditching the Fear: Celebrating Teen Years
16:19 Hormones and the Teen Brain
21:09 Shame, Repair, and Connection: The Emotional Rollercoaster of Teens
25:24 Guiding Teens in the Digital Age
31:08 Listening Over Lecturing and Navigating Friendship Drama
38:27 Supporting Identity, Style, and Self-Discovery and Addressing Mean Behavior
42:41 The Sex Talk and Beyond
51:59 Advice for Raising Amazing Teens
01:00:43 The Importance of Self-Care for Parents
Connect with Cultivateen Roots:
The Founders
Aliah Singh
Aliah holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from the University of San Francisco and has over a decade of experience as a school counselor. She specializes in guiding middle and high school students and their families through the emotional and developmental challenges of adolescence, with a focus on building resilience, confidence, and independence.
Caitlin Severin
Caitlin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 13 years of experience supporting teens and families across private practice, nonprofits, and schools. She helps families navigate adolescence through emotional resilience, healthy communication, and personal growth.
Hannah Takajo
Hannah holds a Master’s in Special Education and has spent the past 10 years teaching and case-managing high school students. She specializes in inclusive education and works closely with families to advocate for students with diverse learning needs, promoting collaboration and student success.
Heather Nelson: We really do welcome everyone to this week's Life Conversations With A Twist. I'm so honored to have these amazing three women. This is my first podcast with three people. I think I've done two, but three is new for me. But this is super fun, and I love that you're all together, and your energy is great. So I have Caitlin, Hannah and Aliah on. I'm going to let you guys each introduce yourselves and a little bit about your background. This is going to be the best, juiciest conversation, and I cannot wait to have it. I wish I had a glass of wine.
Hannah Takajo: I'm Hannah Takajo, and I'm a Special Ed teacher. I've been teaching for 10 plus years in the public school system.
Aliah Singh: I am Aliah Singh. I have three kids, six, four and one. And I have been in education for over 10 years. I started out working in after school programming. I have been a school counselor for over 10 years now, working mostly at the high school level, and a little bit with middle school students.
Caitlin Severin: And I'm Caitlin Severin. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have been licensed, I think, since 2013. So for 12 years, I have worked with teens and tweens, and high school, middle school in private practice, and in the public education system. And we are Cultivateen Roots, collectively.
Heather Nelson: So excited to have you. And it was so funny, I was like, okay, tell me how old your kids are? Tell me how old your kids are? How old are your tweens?
Aliah Singh: None of us have twins. Hannah and I have little kids. But also, it's interesting how much crossover there can be in terms of how you work and support with tweens and teens, and how that connects with amazing little kids.
Hannah Takajo: They're just kind of bigger. And the conversations are just a little bit more complex, sometimes not even that much more.
Caitlin Severin: Yeah. This movement right now, there's a specific name for it. But it's basically the concept of taking maternity leave when your kids are teenagers. I don't think it's a big movement, but it's definitely the idea of, when your kids are really small, they need so much from you. And then when they're teens, they need so much from you, but in a completely different way.
Heather Nelson: I totally know what you're talking about because this has been my mindset, especially because I own a business, I own two businesses, and I have a podcast. I'm super busy, and I'm at a point right now in my career that I'm like, I need to stop and slow down because I have a daughter going into high school. I have a son going into middle school, and I know what a crucial time this is. So for me, that's one of my reasons why I need to slow down, why I need to move my home, my office home, so I can be there to pick them up from school, and be a part of their lives. And so this is gonna be such a good conversation. Because literally, this is the age in my life that I'm about to enter.
Caitlin Severin: And 13 to 15 is like pure transportation.
Heather Nelson: And they'll all be at three different schools, and three different soccer schedules.
Caitlin Severin: Yeah, it's a lot.
Heather Nelson: Okay, so you guys all specialize, obviously, in different things. How did this company, your brand and all that come together? There's gotta be some kind of moment that was like, ding, ding.
Aliah Singh: So a couple of years ago, I worked at a high school as a school counselor, and I was just getting a lot of phone calls from angsty parents really struggling with how to support their kids. And this was after the worst of the pandemic. Kids were returning to school, and they just didn't know how to support their kids in this transition. And I was like, I don't have enough time in my day to provide this level of support to parents like I have to. I mostly focused on their kids. I support the student and the family, but I couldn't help them in the way that I wanted to. And at the same time, I had little kids. I was a consumer on Instagram, of all of these platforms, right? Big Little Feelings, feeding littles, taking care of babies, all of these platforms and courses that I bought to help me teach my kid how to sleep, potty train, weeding. Hannah and I bought, literally between us, 10 courses, and they were helpful.
Hannah Takajo: Honestly, they really were so valuable. I still use some of the language from Big Little Feelings.
Aliah Singh: I was like, okay, is there anything like this for parents of tweens and teens? And I looked, and there really wasn't a resource like that out there for them. So I was like, okay, what could I do? Maybe summer break is coming up. Could I do something for parents over the summer? And then I started talking to Hannah about it. And then I was like, okay, we should bring Caitlin in, because Caitlin hasn't gone through the therapist lens. And so then, we just kind of started brainstorming. And over the next couple of months, we came up with various iterations of what this could be, and it turned into Cultivateen Roots, which is an online platform for parents and caregivers of tweens and teens to help support them in navigating the adolescent years, to really help them empower, feel empowered to be the best parent they can be, so that they can show up for their child. And our first product offering is an online course called Making Adolescence. So that launched at the end of March. And since then, we've added some other offerings to our platform. But that's kind of where the seed started.
Heather Nelson: And then this is more for somebody to basically buy the course, take it to help them. Is there an online community once you've gotten through it?
Caitlin Severin: We spent about a year and a half researching, writing, editing, all of that, creating our course. So it's very science backed. And then we had professional videography, and created all of these worksheets and handouts. So it's really interactive and reflective, and focused on the parents' experience. A lot of times, people think that our business is targeted for teens and tweens, but it's really the parent, the consumer.
Hannah Takajo: And you could do a lot of activities alongside your team, but it's really for the parents.
Caitlin Severin: And in both a growth perspective and a support perspective. We have an online Facebook community, and then we've gotten a lot of feedback from parents that they want to be together, and they want to build their smaller community. And so something that we're now launching is doing the course in small groups. And so we have one in Petaluma coming up. If people wanted to join the wait list for that, it'll probably be at the start of next year. So starting in January, and it'll be over the course of five months where we'll go through it together.
Hannah Takajo: Each session would focus on one of our modules, and we were interactive.
Caitlin Severin: And it'll be small, so we're going to cap it at 10 people. They'll be wine and snacks, and it'll be fun. And you'll also get access to our online course, so you can self pace and have everything that we offer. But you'll get that community in person experience, and then we're going to also offer those on Zoom as well.
Hannah Takajo: We found that parents really want to talk to each other and share the communication with one another.
Aliah Singh: It's like that whole thing in class where you don't want to raise your hand because you're going to look dumb, right? Everybody has the same question. I feel like that is what's going on with parenting too, especially in this day and age when things are so different from when we grew up. There's all of these things that didn't exist, like a pandemic, social media and technology. Parents are going through all of these things and feel really alone and isolated, and don't know how to maybe talk about it or say anything, but everybody else is feeling the same way.
Heather Nelson: I love that you take something so scary for a parent, because it is. It's scary. Everyone's like, oh, my gosh. What are we going to do? How are we going to get through this together? But I love that you've created a fun and community around it to make it not look so scary.
Caitlin Severin: One of our biggest taglines is facts over fear because we noticed, when we were creating the course and researching it, all of the books that we are reading were so fear based. I truly would laugh out loud sometimes reading or watching like, did you ever watch the Netflix show adolescence? Do you know what it is? And these teens were like, these kids are in this middle school, and I work in a middle school, and they're like throwing things at the teacher, and not having overturning TVs that are in the classroom. We truly love teenagers. We are so passionate about them. We think they're the best ever. We think they're so funny, creative, cool and interesting. And we really wanted to bring this fresh lens that the teenage years are incredible and fun, and a point of immense connection opportunity.
Hannah Takajo: That goes through adulthood.
Heather Nelson: Okay, I have so many questions. Seriously, we could probably talk all day.
Hannah Takajo: Well, we don't have anything else, so we're available.
Heather Nelson: I have till 12. I don't even know where to start because I also want to tie this into some of the stuff that I feel that I'm dealing with, and I think there's so much. Every family is different. Every family dynamic is different. And then you bring in a teenager, my teenager like I said, she lives with her dad part time, and then she lives with me. That is where a lot of the struggles, I think. Not only is she going through a teenager, but then she's at her dad's, and she has a little bit different rules and has a different lifestyle. And then when she's with me, I'm remarried so there's a stepdad, and then there's a four year old that's creating chaos around the house. And so there's also that dynamic that happens. What are some key pieces of advice or things that you've seen that help with the parent that has a child that goes to two different homes, because I'm sure you probably go with it more often.
Caitlin Severin: 100%. I came from a family of divorce, so I had the experience of being a child that my rules were very different at my mom's house than at my dad's house. I think that one of the core concepts in our course is having all the boundaries and rules be very value based, and that's a long term goal. Everything that you're trying to teach your teenager is for their long term development. And coming to the reason why you can't control what's happening at dad's house. You can have co-parenting classes, you can do all the things. But at the end of the day, you can't control those rules. And so making sure that when you're talking to your kid about whatever boundaries you have, or rules that you have in your house, the value statement is at the core. So when there's a curfew, let's say, or you give me an example if you want to, if it's not a curfew, but something that is tough.
Heather Nelson: I think for me, my biggest thing is that she loves her dad. Her dad is like the best thing on earth. And then you get around me and it's like, and she never wants to hang out with me. And everyone's like, you have such a cool mom. You don't know the impact that she's making in the world. And she just sees me as this rule maker, strict rules. I think that's one of the biggest things that we struggle with.
Aliah Singh: The idea within itself that you have boundaries and rules is a challenge.
Caitlin Severin: Yeah, absolutely. I remember my mom told me as an adult, but she said that it was her goal to never talk poorly about my dad. She had a therapist tell her like, let your kids figure out who each of their parents is, and develop their own understanding of their parents because they will see that with time. And so it's really hard in those teen years, but that's the biggest thing that you can do. You are sure of your parenting style. And you know whatever boundaries you have because you love your kid, and you want to keep her safe and healthy, and have her be resilient, and have good outcomes. And so being confident in that and in yourself and knowing that, not now, she's not going to know it now at 14. But in the future, she will see that.
Aliah Singh: And we have a whole piece on that in our course about how it's one of our tips or strategies, how it's not personal, it's so hard in parenting because feels really personal, and it's so hard not to internalize it because it feels that way, especially when they're teenagers, and they're these mini adults. And so going back to what Caitlin was saying about the value based boundaries, I think when you can communicate to your daughter about whatever the rule is, or why things are the way they are, and connect it to like, we have boundaries in our house because we care about your safety. Or because we want to make sure that you are prepared for school. You have to, on Sundays, have all of your things together before Monday morning because we want to make sure you're prepared for school, because it's important that you are taking your academics seriously. That's important to us. So connecting it to that value helps teenagers have at least more understanding and context around it, versus just seeing it as something they have to do.
Heather Nelson: That's so good. It's so funny. You said the thing about how later in life they see who their parents are because my husband struggled with my stepdaughter through the teenage years. We struggled with the mom, and she always took mom's side. And now she has said, now I see what you guys were going through, and I see my mom for who she is. She's 19 now.
Caitlin Severin: Way higher chance of them being able to be that reflective if you stay out of their relationship with the other parent.
Heather Nelson: I do, yeah. It's really hard. But I've always said, you discipline her. I'm here to support you, but you're the lead driver on that. That's what we try to work on now together is like, letting me parent my kids, and let him stay out. Because when it gets mushy like that, that's where I feel like it gets so hard.
Caitlin Severin: Yeah, it makes sense. Blended families are tough stuff sometimes.
Heather Nelson: Okay, so I know the number one question to all my listeners who have girl teenagers, how do we deal with hormones and all of their lovely attitudes?
Caitlin Severin: Our module on hormones is called honing in on hormones. Trying to understand them, and it's interesting in teen brain development. Hormones are definitely a part of it. But neurotransmitters and the actual brain develop this. I can go all into the neuroscience of it. But pruning and myelination, which basically means, if you think about a crazy garden growing all over the place, when you're a little kid, you're like, I like this? Do I like this? You're trying out all these things. And then as you enter the teenage years, our brains prune down to our special interests, and they basically get rid of content in our brain that we don't need anymore so that we can have space to become experts or learn more. And that's what's happening in the teen brain, which is why, and at the same time, your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed. And your amygdala, which is your emotional side, is raging. It's ready to go. So hormones are a huge part of it, but I think they often get blamed for a lot of the neuroscience that's happening in the brain.
Heather Nelson: I actually was just listening to the Mel Robbins podcast about brain development, and they were just talking about hormones. And when your brain is changing, it releases different hormones. It was very fascinating. I'm like, oh, perfect timing.
Caitlin Severin: We have a saying, and Aliah loves to use it. I think it's so good. But don't engage. Let them rage.
Aliah Singh: Say to my four year old, too.
Caitlin Severin: In that space like that, it is not the time to have the discussion. It's not the time to have a deep chat. It's not the time to take it personally.
Aliah Singh: It is not the time to tell them to calm down. It's not that big of a deal, right?
Caitlin Severin: It could be the time to model for them. It seems like you need some space right now, and I'm going to give that space to you. And when you're ready to talk, I'm here. My door is open, and you can come chat with me.
Hannah Takajo: Face to face, but to give them space.
Aliah Singh: I can talk about that too. It doesn't mean that you have to accept their bad behavior, right? If they're calling you names, or being disrespectful, or slamming doors, that's not the behavior, but you can still allow them the space to do what they need to do in that moment when they're dysregulated. And then when they're in a commercial state, you can work on the repair piece. And in our course, we talk about how to get yourself to a regulated space and how to model that for your child.
Heather Nelson: I was gonna say when she stomps up the stairs, slams the door, I hate you. You just let them be and talk about it later.
Caitlin Severin: You let them be, and you just continually say things like, I'm right here when you're ready. You said the boundary too. Let's say she's saying I hate you. You say, I get that you're really upset right now. That's hurtful, and it hurts my feelings. And I'm not going to talk to you like that. But when you're ready to talk to me in a kind way, I'm here. I literally said that to my six year old.
Aliah Singh: Yeah, right. Like you're disgusting, mom. I was like, I don't like that language. But if you want to talk to me nicer tone--
Caitlin Severin: You just stay calm as a cucumber, right? Which is hard. Even though you're not, but you just have that outward appearance of like, that's not an okay way to talk to me. But when you're ready to talk to me in a kind way, I'm here for you.
Aliah Singh: Because when you're in that state, there's not going to be any productive kind of work.
Heather Nelson: Kind of like a marriage, right?
Caitlin Severin: The same thing. Every relationship has a lot of similarities across the gamut.
Aliah Singh: When your teenagers act that way a lot of times, it can push your buttons and trigger you. You kind of get into this state of like, well, I'm going to show you that you can't talk to me that way. That is so disrespectful. And you want to assert your control and your power as the parent, and that actually does the opposite of what you want to do, which is building that trust and connection. And so again, giving them the space to express their emotions and feelings in a respectful way allows room for them to repair and make connections, which is what you really want. They can't control what's going on. Because like Caitlin said, their prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of their decision making and their impulse control, is not fully developed yet. Whereas their amygdala, the emotion center is all over the place. They don't necessarily have the skill to be able to manage their emotions. And I think it's easy to think that they do because for a long time they do. Sometimes, they do.
Caitlin Severin: It can be frustrating for them that they don't like it too much, I think the common piece that's missed when talking about teenagers is because this is in development sometimes. Like Hannah said, they do. There are times where they can handle a really stressful or overwhelming situation, or a hormone flush, and they can handle it. And then there's times where they can't. And so for them, it can be really confusing. And oftentimes lead to a lot of shame. For us too. I reacted to something this morning. I'm upset about it, but I'm upset with my reaction. I wish that I could have acted differently, because I'm curious. Sometimes I can react in that way. And so when I don't, then I feel shame around it because it's like, why can't I just be better? And our teams as the therapist who gets talked to about these reactions that happen all the time where they're like, I know I yelled at my mom and I called her a bitch and said all these horrible things. I don't know why I did that, and the shame makes it really hard for them to come back and repair it. And that's where the parent has to be the parent and be that repair.
Heather Nelson: That's so good. I just think about all the situations. Well, my daughter will really like me someday.
Caitlin Severin: And your daughter really likes you now.
Heather Nelson: She really does. I think she just doesn't want to admit that she does.
Caitlin Severin: But I promise you, as a therapist who all the teenagers talk to, you are the one that she wants approval and love from the most. And you are safe, and that is why she pushes you because you're a safe space. She wouldn't push you if she thought that you weren't going to unconditionally love her.
Hannah Takajo: It's just the truth.
Heather Nelson: I have so many thoughts about where they are now, she literally wants to hibernate in her room, and she wants to be on her phone, and then I feel a lot of guilt, like, I'm not spending enough time with her. I go into a room. I felt like I was like Ana the other day. You want to build a snowman? Because I'm like, just hang out with me, please. You continue to push it. Do you let them come to you? I just feel bad that I'm not present.
Caitlin Severin: I think one of the best things is finding some common interest, even if you're not interested in it. Even if you have to find the joy and the fact that it's connection building. My nephew who's a tween is obsessed with capybaras. And my whole family went to San Jose, which is incredibly out of the way for all of this. My sister lives in Southern California. We live in Petaluma. We all went to San Jose. People got a hotel for a night just so that we could all see capybaras and he stood there for, I'm not getting two hours to see these capybaras. And we were all like, hell, yeah. I don't even know what that is. I didn't know what it said, giant hamster. Basically, you just lean into whatever it is that they are interested in, and that they are willing to let you into. So if that is watching 65 hours of Love Island, because that's what they're into.
Heather Nelson: Is that okay? Because we connect by watching a show together.
Caitlin Severin: Definitely, you find whatever it is. If they're into skateboarding, like skateboarding. If they are into cooking, you're going to eat their gross food.
Aliah Singh: If they like to get their nails done, then I guess you're shelling out cash.
Heather Nelson: My daughter doesn't. I'm like, please, you want to go get a pedicure with me? She's like, I don't like getting a pedicure. She's really into animals, and she's into baking. We've really connected on baking and those kinds of things. She loves to go shopping. Yesterday, I was like, and my husband's like, can you go pick up our son from preschool? I was like, no, I told my daughter I would take her to Old Navy and Target. I gotta do it.
Aliah Singh: You still have been saying to her, we have this protected time once a week, and you get to pick the activity, whatever it is that you want to do. Then there's no pressure. It's once a week, right? That's not like, oh, I have to hang out with my mom every single day. And then she knows when it is, right? Do you want to build a snowman? It's like out of her door, it's in the calendar. And she gets to choose, so she gets some control.
Heather Nelson: Yeah. This conversation is going to come on social media. Because thankfully, my daughter's not super into it right now. She just got Instagram, and that was because her dad didn't want her to, which I was okay with. How do you monitor,you guys probably see it all, and we know how much social media is affecting their mental health and all those things. What advice do you have for parents around social media and phones?
Aliah Singh: Well, we're about to come out with a free guide on our website, and how to communicate.
Caitlin Severin: You go on our website, it's the second thing down to sign up for the email list and a couple weeks.
Aliah Singh: Our stance on technology and social media is first and foremost. There's no right or wrong answer. It's dependent on your family and your child. But I think it's important to have boundaries around what is going to look like in your home, those boundaries just might be different. And I think Caitlin has a great analogy that we like to share about how kids don't just get into a car and drive. There are steps that they have to take before getting a vehicle signed. And so social media and technology are kind of the same. It's something that they need to be responsible about and need to have the skills to manage. And we kind of just give them this phone and say, here. And they have free range and access to this thing that can be really scary, or put them in situations that they aren't ready for. And so like driving where you have to do driver's ed, and then you get your permit, and then there's behind the wheel training. We think it's important that as parents, there's some education around cellphones, technology and social media, so that you are helping your child build the skills to manage their own use.
Hannah Takajo: They say, be independent with it.
Caitlin Severin: And our guide is going to be different from the popular ones that are out there. No phones until this specific age, but it's way more focused because our whole platform is focused on the communication concept. So how to communicate with your kid around social media around the boundaries in your home around it, because it's easy to be experts or providers and say, this is what you should do.
Heather Nelson: And they said it was okay, so this is how it's going to be.
Caitlin Severin: But the reality is that that doesn't work. Look at the purity pledge. We all know that doesn't wait. We all know to just say no and their campaign, and that kind of stuff didn't work. Research has shown that when we force kids into a contract-- and that it actually promotes secrecy and potentially dangerous outcomes. Because what you're saying is, you cannot have this until X, Y and Z. And then they're going to have it, and it's going to be secret, and they're not going to be talking to you about it.
Hannah Takajo: And so they don't have the skills around how to use it.
Caitlin Severin: Obviously, there is a time where you have to say, you can't have it till this age or whatever. But we believe that parents know their kids best, and so we're not here to tell you what is best for your family. But we are here to give you tips and advice on how to communicate with your kid around it so that you can have open conversations and build relationships, and build trust. And also have a kid who knows what they're getting and how to handle it because they're going to become an adult that's going to have a phone.
Hannah Takajo: So we have a free guide coming out in the next couple weeks. So once you sign up for our email list, you'll get the guide.
Heather Nelson: I'm curious. I don't think mine are on there doing the wrong things because my son is 11, and he's a YouTube cruiser. He's always looking for things. But for me, I just need to get better. I think right now, the summer's here and I'm at work. I'm like, what are they gonna do? I think when school starts, really limiting screen time, because I hate when you look over and like, I'm guilty of it too. We're all sitting on our phones.
Caitlin Severin: See another table, and the whole family's on their phones. And you're not judgmental because you've been there too. But this is just sad.
Aliah Singh: A lot of it too is modeling. Taking a look at your own phone use and social media use and saying, well, if I want this for them, then I need to be, first, I need to be modeling that myself.
Hannah Takajo: So true. I feel like it's hard too, especially because with our work, we're constantly on our phones for work.
Heather Nelson: I know my son got off the phone. I'm like, I'm literally checking emails. Or I'm like, meal planning, or I'm ordering groceries.
Caitlin Severin: I definitely try to do as much on my computer as I can. There's just less opportunity for scrolling on your computer. You go on your emails, and then you're not going to go onto Instagram on your right, or you're ordering groceries, and you're going to finish that. You're going to put it away, and then it's going to be done. Versus when you're on your phone, it's very easy to click over to a social media app and just scroll for a minute. So I do think that that's one way to kind of model that.
Heather Nelson: As high school counselors, and you're obviously talking to these teens all the time, what is the biggest thing or advice that you could give a parent that you're seeing these teens need from their parents? I'm sure there's conversations like, I wish I had more of this at home. Or there's like, what do you see most commonly? What advice do you have for that parent that might have a child that's needing these things?
Aliah Singh: I think the general theme that I see is students talk a lot about wanting their parents to just listen versus responding with solutions, or advice, or judgment, or opinions. I have a student come in and talk to me about a difficult situation, and they're like, I tried to talk to my parents about it, and they just shut me down. Or they said, well, of course this happened because you did X, Y and Z. And then that makes them feel like they can't go to their parents and talk about things. And it's natural as parents like, we go into this mode of wanting to help our child, and we want to fix things, and we think we know best. And sometimes, we do know best. But that's not helpful at the moment. And so what you want to do as a parent is you want to give your child the space to share and validate what you're hearing. So if your child is sharing that they're feeling like they're having a really hard time in one of their classes and they didn't do well on their math test. Instead of saying, well, you should have studied more. Or did you go ask your teacher for help? You could just reflect back to them what you're hearing like, it sounds like you're having a really hard time in your math class right now. And you could even ask them like, do you want support in brainstorming solutions? Or do you just want to then talk about what's going on in adult lives?
Hannah Takajo: You just want to share something, and you don't necessarily need to hear something back.
Heather Nelson: My friend just said that. We just had this conversation about it. Like, I need to tell you something. And you as a friend, you're like, do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to respond? And then you're opening the option like, okay, no. I just need you to listen. So then as a listener, you're like, okay, I'm just gonna listen and I'm not gonna respond. It helps.
Caitlin Severin: What is your goal? Neuroscience perspective with teen brain development, narration helps integrate their own experience. So when they're telling you their story, and then you're saying like, let's say that they're complaining about a friend, and you're sitting there. Of course, it got dramatic with this friend. Like, what do you expect? It always gets dramatic with this friend. And you guys know that every time you're together, you feel like this. Why do you keep hanging out? That's the instinct. But instead of saying that, you're like, it sounds like it was really hard. It sounds like it was really frustrating. What I'm hearing from you is bold and literally just saying exactly what they said. And it sounds boring, or that they're going to be annoyed by that. Or they're going to be like, that's what I just said. But it's like they're going to be my job. It's truly helping their brain wiring integrate like their own feelings. And when their feeling feels validated, it's easier to move through it.
Heather Nelson: You brought up something that made me think it wasn't in my question. But now I'm going to approach it. Especially girls. I know we keep talking about girls, and I think this goes in general, but friendships. And I think as I navigate through middle school and into high school, friendship groups change. I'm seeing it a lot now that there's so much drama. And then you bring in the facts of like, they've been friends forever. And so now, the moms are friends forever. And now, they are struggling together, and they're fighting. And then it creates this tension with the moms. What advice do you have to navigate those lovely relationships with their friends?
Caitlin Severin: I think one of the main things is giving them space to figure it out. And that can be really awkward. I have clients who's moms are best friends, and they have trips planned, and then the girls get in a fight, and it's so hard. And I think that talking to your kid about, look, I'm still going to be friends with your friend's mom, and that doesn't mean that you have to do this, this or this. But I got your back. Me being friends with the mom is not me abandoning you, or feeling I'm not there for you. But this is my relationship, and relationships are important to me. I also hear and understand what you're going through too.
Heather Nelson: Because my daughter has a struggle with friends so much because she's very low key. She's not like a popular girl. She has a couple friends that she hangs out with. We'll see what this year brings. But my stepdaughter definitely battled with friendships through high school, and I always say, find the one person, they might not be the popular one, but they're the ones that see you. They're the ones that make you feel good when you're around them, and also understand that sometimes your best friends don't come until later in life. I'm friends with my girlfriend from high school. But it's very rare that you're still friends with somebody from high school. It's like in college or work, those kinds of things.
Aliah Singh: It's so hard for them to really take that in at that moment in time, because so much of what they're experiencing is this deep longing for connection and to fit in. And the importance of peers during this time of development is huge, because they're going through this process of individuation and separation where they are starting to kind of figure out, who am I separate from my family? Who am I like in the world? And part of that is like, who am I amongst my peers? And so it's hard when you feel like you don't fit in. I feel like so many students, especially this last year, have come in talking just about feeling as though they don't have that person. They have a group of friends to hang out with, but they don't necessarily feel connected to any of them. And it's really difficult. And as an adult, we have the life experience to be able to look back and be like, okay, well, I know this is a moment and it's going to pass. But for them when it's like the first time they're going through something like this, and they don't have that point of reference to call back to, and so it can be really, really difficult.
Heather Nelson: So good. Such a great perspective. The other thing too that came to mind is now with what you were saying, at this age where they're figuring out who they are as a person, they're like, we're gonna shave our head off, or we think we're now a girl, and we were a boy. Like all these things, how they dress are different. As a parent, what advice do you have? I always tell my husband, we just need to let them be who they are. If my son wants to wear this shirt, that's like 10 times too small for him, just let them be.
Caitlin Severin: Yes. Mel Robbins right, let them. Let them. Because that's not the point. The clothes, the style, it's going to change. The point is that they want to be seen, and they want to feel understood. And so you accept whatever form they're in at that moment, and rolling with the changes gives them that freedom to figure out who they truly are.
Aliah Singh: They're going to be who they are, whether or not you agree with it.
Caitlin Severin: You're either going to be in the loop.
Heather Nelson: Yeah, I also have some friends, if we talk about boys, that I have a couple friends who their boy, their sons are just like, they're just mean. They're mean kids. And as a mom, you're trying to teach them to be kind, be nice to others. But they just are unkind people. How do you navigate that?
Caitlin Severin: It's really scary.
Aliah Singh: It's tough to be honest. Yeah, that's a tough one. And I do feel like it's a different challenge to navigate.
Caitlin Severin: I've had boys that watch YouTubers that are honestly dangerous. People that are spewing out the male agenda conversations that women are supposed to be submissive, and all of these are really scary things. And obviously in those moments, I want to be like, don't ever watch that nigga. Like, I want to freak out. But I think the best thing to do in those situations is get so curious and like, what do you like about them? What draws you into them? Why are you interested in them? And really, trying to help them. It's the same thing as the narration piece in terms of the brain integration. It's helping them get curious about, why did you just start following this YouTuber? Because he showed up on your algorithm, and now you're down the rabbit hole and just watching this stuff. Or helping them really develop those critical thinking skills. Because when you tell them not to, or when you shame them, you're just going to drive them down even more, and that is so hard because I definitely want to shame it and be the stupidest crap I've ever seen.
Aliah Singh: Why are you watching this? One of our other catchphrases is curiosity over criticism.
Caitlin Severin: And you handled this really well when you had a swastika on the dodge.
Hannah Takajo: Oh, yeah, I always like to make it like a learning opportunity. I had a kid who drew a hateful sign, and so I just asked him what he knew about it.
Caitlin Severin: It had so much shame around it, and I withdrew and became super defensive.
Hannah Takajo: Let's talk about it. What do you know about the Holocaust? What do you want to know about it? Let's look up some videos about it. We were reading, or we have access tonight in our library. So I got him the book at night, and so I had him read it during the class period. And I kind of used it as an opportunity to learn about it.
Heather Nelson: I mean, that's very specific. They don't know. They think it's cool and funny. All these things. But they don't really understand the history behind some of these things.
Aliah Singh: It's a boy version of trying to fit in.
Caitlin Severin: And they're like, if they're on YouTube or they're playing video games, the truth of the matter is that they are hearing the N word and the F slur. They're hearing all of this stuff, and they're testing. It's the same thing as doing the pink hair, or shaving their head, or dying their hair yellow or whatever it is. I'm testing this out and exploring who I am. And it doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to become this harmful, hateful person. But it does need to be addressed, because we can't just like, oh, you go on YouTube and watch whatever. No big deal. But at the end of the day, it's about what is the value. We want your value to be a critical thinker who leads with love and kindness. And so how you develop that is not from shame, but from helping them really think through why they're drawn to certain things. And if anything is helping them, or if that thing is causing them and other people harm.
Heather Nelson: So good. My last big topic that I feel like teenagers are dealing with is sex. Let's talk about sex. Thankfully, my daughter's not into dating at the moment. I know that's probably going to change very soon. But how do you navigate that relationship, or your conversations with your kids about it? How do you approach that as a parent?
Hannah Takajo: Well, abstinence, obviously.
Heather Nelson: It's so much drama. Why would you want to do that?
Aliah Singh: Well, I think it's similar to the drug conversation. They're naturally curious. And whether or not you directly address it, they're going to do what they want to do. And so what we at Cultivateen Roots like to tell parents is, we talk about this in our boundaries module, but you want to provide boundaries around it. You don't want to just be like, hey, it's fine for you to go do X, Y and Z. You want to say, this is our family value. You want to provide information, facts, education over fear. And then you also want to provide an open line of communication, which we connect to harm reduction because we know that teenagers are going to make decisions that might put them in unsafe situations. So for example, that might look like if you do have sex, or if you do find yourself in a situation, you can come talk to me about it. We can talk to your doctor about birth control. Or if you need a condom, you can come ask me for a condom. Or if your condom breaks, we can go get plan B, right?
Caitlin Severin: Or don't flush condoms down the toilet. That's an important one.
Hannah Takajo: Or don't leave it in the garbage if you have a dog.
Heather Nelson: Oh, my God. I remember when my daughter first got her, she had her period when she was 10, poor thing. And just teaching them, you don't think about it as a parent, but you need to roll it up and then you can't just throw it willy-nilly. You certainly cannot just throw it in your closet and let it rot.
Aliah Singh: No, no, no, no. That's really smelly. We think that it's just super important to make sure that you're teenagers. So this can apply to drugs and alcohol too, right? There's boundaries, there's information and value. There's always that open line of communication and this harm reduction piece so that they know if they're in trouble, or they need something to help keep them safe, that you are that person that they can go to.
Caitlin Severin: And I think it's crucial now more than ever because of the internet. So there's a false sense of like, I don't need to talk to my parents because I can research whatever, and like an app chat, I should TikTok. But then, trust me, these teams get into some precarious situations from learning about sex on Tiktok, and I've had to call the CDC or not the CDC. You don't want them learning from Tiktok. You want them learning from you, or at least from a trusted digital, or at least knowing that they can talk to you.
Heather Nelson: You set the boundaries around, I know some parents want to be overly involved, almost like best friends, and want to know all those things. How do you divide that relationship with being a mom and creating that zone? I think obviously, everyone's different. Everyone's relationships are different.
Caitlin Severin: But one thing that is really effective is externalizing. We joked about watching Love Island with your teenager, but that might be appropriate because talking about something that is outside of their personal experience, and really getting curious with them about, what do you think about these two people hooking up after knowing each other for only a few days? It's interesting if you watch a show together, and there's some good brain and talk about it. Almost like playing with your little kid. If you have a four year old and their parents are going through a divorce, and you guys are playing with dolls, they might be like, I'm going to go to Mommy's house. And then you'd be like, oh, what is it like? It's their way to safely talk about something interesting, but it's not personal. Or even talking about their friends. If they're willing to open up to you about it, they don't even have to be a friend but some random person at school that they heard a rumor about. Let's say somebody's nudes got leaked and they are willing to talk to you about that, just that empathy development of, what do you think that's like for them?
Aliah Singh: Or sharing about your own experiences as a teenager within an appropriate limit, right? Because you don't want to talk all about your own experiences so that your child then feels like they can't share with you. But being like, when I was your age, it was really hard because the group that I hung out with were all drinking, and I felt a lot of pressure. And that then kind of leaves the door open for them to maybe feel like they could ask you questions, or that you're a safe person that they can come to.
Caitlin Severin: The biggest piece of advice when it comes to the drinking, drugs, sex, all the hard stuff, is to not make it so that when your teen comes to you, that you are having a bigger reaction than they are having. So for example, if, God forbid, one of their friends gets sexually assaulted, you don't want to have this huge reaction where you're like, oh, I can't believe that happened. It's so horrible. You want to be calm and grounded so that they can have the feeling. Because I think one of the things that I hear from teens a lot is like, I can't come to my mom because it's gonna hurt her. If I got bullied, or if something happened to me, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to make my parents cry. You're allowed to have your own emotional reaction, but you need to have people in your life that are not your kid to have that reaction.
Heather Nelson: I think my biggest fear, I always say this when I am doing women's retreats. The one thing that kept coming up for me is because you're sitting, especially with women, you're sitting in this big circle and everyone's talking about why they are the way they are. And they're like, oh, because of my mom. It's always rooted to the mom somehow. Oh, my upbringing, or how I was raised, or blah, blah, blah. And I literally always say, I don't want my daughter sitting in the same circle in 20 years talking about how I messed her up.
Caitlin Severin: Well, I'm obsessed with my mom, so that's the good news. I think that's really valid. You're going to make mistakes. And the fact that you're here having these conversations, trying to learn from this, and trying to show up for her, and the best way that you can is what you have control over and power over, there's going to be things that happened to her in her childhood that had to happen. And those build resiliency, and they build your relationship even when it feels like it's challenged.
Aliah Singh: And I think having self compassion because you're human, and you are figuring out how to parent each of your children in the ways that they need you to Mother them, because all children need different things, and you're not going to be perfect, right? Gonna make mistakes.
Hannah Takajo: And opportunities to learn.
Aliah Singh: But what's important is at the end of the day, what is the feeling that your daughter walks away with when she thinks about you and your relationship, not like a little nitty gritty day to day things.
Hannah Takajo: I have a question for you, are you going to have her listen to this?
Heather Nelson: She probably will. She does listen to my podcast, and actually her friends follow me on Instagram. It's weird now that she's on Instagram, because now she sees what I post. I'm a little more conscious about what I post and what I say.
Caitlin Severin: I want to follow you on Instagram. It's a really good friend that her friends want to follow you on Instagram.
Heather Nelson: I always say, I'm like,look, Addy wants to be my friend. They always like my things, and so I'm just embracing it. But I also am like, this is what I do. I'm empowering women, I'm inspiring women. This is the work that I do, and that she needs to be okay with it. She's been on my podcast, actually, probably two years ago. I think I need to get her back on, maybe after her first high school experience. I think it was when she was going into middle school, and it was the conversation of, how do you feel about it? And every year for their birthdays, I interview them. I interviewed both my kids too and I asked them different questions. It's super fun. What is the one big piece of advice or takeaway, maybe it could be one from each of you that you could give a parent that is raising amazing teenagers? Something that maybe you guys have taught that has really resonated with people.
Caitlin Severin: The main thing is that the teen years are an opportunity for deep, deep connection. I feel like I've had a lot of parents tell me, I've been in the trenches with my kid. They're almost off to college, like we just got to get through these years. And I'm always like, no, no, no, no. This is when their memories are, this is when they develop. You're cultivating, sorry to use that term, but you're cultivating the adult relationship that you want to have, and you can be really grounded in the relationship and connection with your kid during this time. That is the biggest piece of advice that I can give you.
Aliah Singh: And I would go back to that kind of self compassion piece. I think that parents are really, really hard on themselves, and they don't give themselves a lot of grace. And parenting is hard.
Hannah Takajo: We joke about that, you don't even know.
Aliah Singh: In today's world, especially these unprecedented times, I mean, there have been unprecedented times before, but things that we didn't have to deal with or navigate in our own childhood and adolescent experiences. And so I think just telling yourself that you're doing a good job. And that if you're questioning yourself and having a hard time, you're obviously a good parent because you're thinking about it and you're reflecting on it.
Hannah Takajo: It's not too late. A question that's been asked, is it too late to do any of this work? And no, this is your child, and they're going to, hopefully, have a strong adult relationship with them. And so this is the foundation of that.
Heather Nelson: So good. What's next for you guys? What do you do? Obviously, you have your online course, which I'm very interested in. But what's next? What's in the horizons? Because I feel like this work is never going to go away.
Hannah Takajo: Children, I'm tired.
Caitlin Severin: Fully taking advantage of summer.
Hannah Takajo: Nice to just have the space to work on, just the business. Because for the last two years that we've been working on this, three years, nights and weekends, we work full time, and then we fit this in.
Aliah Singh: There's been pregnancies, everything's been a journey. I think that we are relishing the fact that we had this idea, and now that idea has turned into a tangible thing that we get to share with other people. And it's like the greatest joy. And so Caitlin has taken it upon herself to learn, we say that she's coding. She literally built her website. Like, figure it out.
Hannah Takajo: She built a website, but then she redid it?
Aliah Singh: So right now, what we're focusing on is we have our course, and then we've added on this element of the workshops. So the in person opportunity and the Zoom. And then in terms of our other offerings, we also are offering consultation. So if there are parents who have really specific needs and want the three of us to kind of sit down with them and go through the fine details of what's going on with their parenting experience and their teenager, they can book a consultation with us. And then we also are available to provide webinars and parent education nights and opportunities.
Hannah Takajo: And we would love to come to a book club or to a wine bag.
Aliah Singh: Trying to spread the word about what we're trying to do, and supporting parents so that they can kind of show up to be their best selves and enjoy it.
Caitlin Severin: Tons of free resources. So our website has, I think we have 22 now blogs, and they're all focused on different topics. I don't know what to do about my teenager. I've heard that it was all things that we have heard directly from parents that they wanted support on, that we wrote these blogs.
Aliah Singh: Or like, I think my teen is neurodivergent. I don't know how to find my kid a therapist, or if I'm at the point where my kid needs a therapist.
Caitlin Severin: I feel like my kid needs an IEP, and I have no idea how to navigate that world. I get really mad on the sidelines. I have people figure out how to deal with that. We have all of these laws that are 100% free and on our website. And then in addition to those, we've been quoted in a bunch of different articles, and have actually written articles for today's parents about what to do when your teen comes out. All of that is on our website. This isn't exactly what we're talking about with blended families. We were in a Newsweek article that if a step parent gets divorced, they still want to have a relationship with the kid. How do you navigate their children? All of those are available. And then as we talked about earlier, we're coming out with our social media communication guide, which will be for free. You can watch module 1.1, our very first of our 25 modules on our website for free, so you can get a feel for it, and that one talks about our course and what we offer, and all of that.
Heather Nelson: Wow, I want to do a course that's in my horizons, for my consulting world, and it just feels like such a big project. It's so cool once it's done. I love the work that you're doing. I think it's obviously super important, and I think we all need it in all factors. I'm already thinking, okay, who can I connect them to? What organizations do this type of work?
Hannah Takajo: Love a connection.
Heather Nelson: They were like, how did you know her? I'm like, well, we used to plan events together, and she was my realtor, and I highly recommend her for sure. Thank you so much for being on the show. I feel like we could talk forever. Maybe we'll just have you on again.
Hannah Takajo: We really like doing podcasts.
Caitlin Severin: We do have a podcast amongst ourselves where we just voice notes to each other all day.
Hannah Takajo: Honestly, we will be on the phone together, and I will just mute myself and listen to them, and it's the best podcast because it's every topic that I want to know about.
Heather Nelson: You were just saying about the blogs, there's so many different topics you could talk about in the teenage world,
Caitlin Severin: We struggle a little. Social media definitely doesn't come naturally to us. We tried to have a Tiktok. And honestly, every time I open it, I feel like it yells at me. I'm just not a social media person, and I don't feel like any of us totally are. And I think it's because we like to have deeper conversations, and social media is very bite sized. But that being said, follow our Instagram.
Heather Nelson: I was just listening to a podcast, and they were talking about how the people who have the most money in the world aren't even on social media. Which says something like, yeah, social media is important.
Hannah Takajo: I've really been shifting our mindset a little bit about that too, taking off the pressure that, it's okay, we're figuring it out, and it's not the end.
Caitlin Severin: Kind of reminds me of what you said about finding friendships and you want to find relationships that make you feel like your best self. When we're feeling our best self, business wise, it's when we're having deep conversations on podcasts. In person when we're meeting with people, when we're collaborating all of that stuff like this. This makes us feel good.
Heather Nelson: Social media, well, I think you guys are doing the work. I think that is the impact on these podcasts and stuff. And then I think everyone's always driving people to your website, whether that's a newsletter, and then sending out monthly like, I think you can still grow and build an empire without being on social media with all the other outlets and stuff that you're doing. So yeah, I'm with you. I hate social media too. I'm like, I'm gonna make a plan. And then I'm like, yeah, that's not happening today. I don't really care if you are listening.
Hannah Takajo: We do give it our best. And there's a lot of good content on our social media.
Heather Nelson: All the contact information, how they can find you your website, all the things, you'll get an email from me to send all that over, but thank you for this conversation. I hope it resonates well with everybody. I would love to go have a glass of wine with you, ladies.
Caitlin Severin: Anytime.